You Can Pry My Butter From My Cold Dead Hands.

I eat butter. No, I don’t mean, I put butter on bread. I mean “I eat butter.”

As a functioning (?) adult member of society, I readily admit I know I’m not supposed to be eating butter. I usually go the more socially acceptable route of smearing huge gobs of it on bread or toast so that I am not judged. But my taste buds and I know it’s all about the butter.

I’m a butter snob- Sweet Cream Salted Butter only, please and thank you. Outback used to have amazing butter (as a vegetarian*, I haven’t been in Outback in years, but oh, how I remember that sweet, sweet honey butter. Hmm, hmm, hmm.) I hope they still serve it. It really made the establishment shine.

Speaking of establishments, did you know that if you ask the kind people at Carrabba’s to bring you melted butter for your herbs, they will? The hell with olive oil- that shit is foul.

Walnut Street Supper Club also had amazing butter last time I was there. It broke my heart to find out it had closed . (The rest of the experience was great, too.) Funny story, I actually got shamed** because I tried to sneak some without bread.

Folks just don’t understand.

When I was a child, my parents used to hide the butter from me by placing it in the back of the refrigerator. They had to. I would come in from playing, open the fridge, grab a stick of butter out of the door holder, peel back the wrapper and bite into that sucker like a Snickers bar.

I have never questioned why I have high cholesterol.

So why are we talking about my love for butter? Because of this article right here.

I don’t know this song. I’ve never heard it, and lived happily never knowing that it existed. But this line right from the article put me on the defensive:

“First off, do not just eat butter by itself. You will die. Your arteries will come out up out of your chest like Groot in Guardians of the Galaxy and choke you…and then you will die.”

YOU DON’T KNOW ME, PANAMA JACKSON! YOU DON’T KNOW MY STRUGGLES!

Now stop judging and hand me my red yeast rice pills and a stick of the good stuff.

*Simmer down there, partner. I said vegetarian. Not vegan.

**I’m not ashamed. Not even a little bit